My mistakes have been made and I have
learned my lessons. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty; I heard that somewhere
and have found it to be very much the truth in my life. I am hopeful that I can
help at least one set of parents and one teen that may be heading down the same
destructive road filled with heartache that I have been on. It may sound
melodramatic as you read this but believe me it is even worse than it sounds.
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It has been several years of heartache now
and we are finally on the upward climb again. By God’s great grace we are
starting to see the progress again in my son’s life instead of the nose dive he
found himself in for the last several years. As a parent where does the blame
go? To me of course, and I can not even say “us” since I am a single parent.
Yes, from time to time I get a critical analysis of what I am doing wrong and
suggestions on how to handle different situations but it all boils down to me.
I know my limitations and I am not the world’s best parent but I sure do try
hard.
I know that what has been going on in our
lives for the past few years has not only been a learning experience for my son
but maybe even more for me. I am not in control of anything, there is
absolutely nothing I can do on my own, I need to draw on the one who is in
charge and rest in Him. I may not be talking to people who have the same belief
system that I do and I do not mean to offend but I am simply sharing what my
heavenly Father has been showing me about myself as He is also delivering my
son.
I will fill you in from the beginning,
which was approximately twelve years ago. My daughter, who is seven years older
than my son, was coming upon the legal driving age. She was an excellent
student, a very responsible child, but somewhat of a timid child when it came
to doing things that seemed dangerous to her. A couple years prior to this time
we were on a family biking outing and we had a little pile up because I stopped
short after seeing a large truck turn the corner and was unwilling to take the
chance of crossing with my daughter behind me. She was twelve or thirteen at
the time. After this little accident she was unwilling to ride her bike ever
again. You see what I mean? As much as I tried to encourage her it was all
over. So when it came time to drive I was concerned that if I did not get her
behind the wheel immediately she would never drive. The town we live in is not conducive
to walking everywhere you go since according to the census in 2011 we have more
than 2.1 million people in our fair city.
So I put her in driver’s education class
and of course because she was such a brilliant student she aced the written
test and did wonderful on paper but then it became time to do the actual
driving with the instructor. There are usually two other students in the car as
well as the instructor in this scenario and my daughter was not what you would
call adventurous, a risk taker, and she got really nervous doing new things
around people she did not even know. But she pushed on for my sake because she
is smart and I told her it would be good for her and she needed to do this. The
first trip out of the barrel when it was her turn to drive it turned ugly. She
was driving fine and then she made the wrong decision at a stop sign. She moved
out into traffic and did not realize that the truck that was coming was moving
so quickly. They almost got hit and after getting through this harrowing
experience she stopped the car where it was, got out, looked the instructor in
the eyes and said, “I’m done, you drive now.” Well, okay. When we went to pick
her up the instructor came to our car and told us that he was sorry, she did
beautifully on the written part but she had failed and we would have to
re-enroll her. She was apologetic and I was not angry or really surprised. But
I did not give up and she was willing to try again.
After doing it all again she passed. She
began by taking the same path from home to school with no variation in the
route, and then she added her path to work as well. She knew how to get to the
closest store and drug store and she was okay with that. But as I expected, the
more she drove the more confident she became and is a wonderful driver today.
She now has a job that is on the other side of our fair city and she drives it
with confidence mixed with a lot of irritation and ill-will towards the
traffic.
So, when my son became of age to take
driver’s education seven years later and began to prod me and pester me about
getting enrolled I did not really give it much thought, I just signed him up.
After he got into the class my daughter and I began to talk about it a bit and
recall her days in driver’s education. I began thinking about my reasoning with
her and thought to myself that I had not given this much thought. His grades
were fair, not because it was hard for him but because he did not care. He was
not really responsible with his things but was doing okay, and he was not
working but he was in high school so that was okay. He had not been in any
serious trouble and after all I allowed his sister and I had gotten my
learner’s permit at fifteen and started driving at sixteen too. No big deal,
right?
Wrong. The first day that my son was
allowed to drive alone after getting his license there was a notable change in
his attitude. Still to this day I do not know where it came from. It may be
just a guy thing but I do not think so. I was concerned but he was a good
driver, seemed to have a natural instinct for driving. I had been letting him
drive with me since getting the permit and so had his grandmother and his
sister. We all commented on what a good driver he was and the instructor
assured us that my son was really good at driving even though he barely passed
the written part. He told me it was boring. That should have been a sign or
something.
Anyway, after a couple weeks of being
allowed to drive to school I began to notice that he was getting absences from
different classes. We have the ability to get online and check our children’s
grades and absentee records. He assured me that he was just tardy and the
teacher missed counting him. After a few of these incidents I got wise and told
him that if he did not stay at school he would not be allowed to drive. He
would straighten up for awhile but then I noticed he was becoming more and more
confrontational and belligerent. He was not answering his cell phone when I
would call and he was staying gone all the time with one thing or the other.
I would take away the car and then his
behavior would change and when he got his privileges back we would have the
same situation all over again. He was hanging with a totally different crowd
because those were the kids that were living on the edge as he was beginning
to. He began taking drugs, skipping school, and not working on his school work.
By this time it did not matter if he had the car or not he would just jump in
the car with one of his new friends if I would not let him use the car. I still
do not completely understand what happened except that he was not ready for the
responsibility, the freedom that having a car gave, and the maturity was not
there. When he found out he could walk out of school and get into a vehicle he
discovered he had the right to choose what he did and did not want to do. It is
so surprising to me what a single event can trigger in someone’s life.
I could go on and on about the events that
took place from this point on but they are not what is important. What I am
saying is that you have to make sure that each individual one of your children
are ready for this responsibility/privilege regardless of the fact that their
older or their younger sibling gets to do it. It is not about being fair it is
about being wise. It is about doing what is best for that individual child. If
they are not handling the rest of their lives with the utmost maturity and
responsibility this is one privilege they should not be allowed to have.
By God’s wonderful, marvelous grace my son
made it through his teen years but not without much heartache and much prayer.
God has taught me through all of this that I am not in control but He is and if
I turn to Him and surrender my son before Him (or anyone or anything for that
matter) that He can and will perform a work in their lives as well as mine. God
has brought my son out of drugs, got him through high school, delivered him
from legal problems, helped him to have the wisdom to get away from the wrong
kinds of friends, and is still working in his life today. Each day I praise God
for what he is accomplishing in my son’s life and in mine because in God we can
be victorious.
I urge you with all my heart not to give
your children responsibilities they cannot handle. Think things over and pray
things over with the Lord long before you consent to anything in this arena and
your kids. If they need to prove themselves and mature longer than a sibling
then so be it. Share your concerns with your teen and tell them that they are
not ready; if they get upset with you it does not matter. It is far better than
the consequences of what could happen if you allow them the opportunity to do
something they cannot handle. It could be even worse than what my son went
through; it could go as far as loss of life. Of theirs or someone that is with
them.
Author
Bio:
Stephanie
has many years of experience as a nanny. She has always loved children and has
continuously been involved in childcare activities. Currently she is one of the
writers for houstonnanny.com.
If you want to get in touch with her, you can email her at stephanie.
Houstonnanny@gmail. com.
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