Conditional Love: Why Parents Should Avoid It?

Conditional love, have you already familiarized with this term? Why you, as parents, should avoid it? In this post I’ll describe a little about the possible consequences of the presence conditional love in parenting matter. In my point of view, it’s important for us to know how parents should give affection to their child in appropriate way. Let’s move on…

Parents who apply conditional love will only give and show their affection if their children become obedient ones, have high achievement or have given pride to their family. Otherwise, these kinds of parents will only give much reduced affection or the worst, the child will be neglected. What a poor child…

It may not mention straightly, but in their daily life, in attitude or words expression, these parents will show their disappointment if their child can’t fulfill the parents’ expectation. For example, the child failed to enter the favorite school or the child didn’t include in top ten ranks at class.

An expert said: if these parents ask to their child is translated into question form, it will become: “How can you make us proud?” NOT “How can you be happy?”
Can you see the big differences here?

One of the reasons why there are still parents that raise their child with conditional love is the strong influence of society values that always connect meaning of success with an academic achievement (in form of academic titles, certificates), an occupation and material achievement (the ownership of luxury cars, big houses, etc).

With such material orientation; people around us tend to respect more to someone who physically appears in various achievements, occupations or wealth assets. It’s the fact that truly happens in our society: the materialism! Moreover, it’s still dominant until now. In order to reach all those material attributes, consciously or unconsciously, parents will push their child to enter the best school, to be the best student, etc.

So, you may want to know, what will possibly happen with the child that raised in a family with conditional love?

• The child won’t be given a chance to choose.
• The child happiness isn’t emphasized here; in fact, the child becomes a tool to fill the parents’ need of self pride.
• The child won’t be whole accepted, because the parents use terms on almost everything.
• The child is raised to meet a society demand in order to get society acknowledgment as a person with wealth, academic achievement and occupation.
• Being pushed to meet the demand, the child will not be able to recognize her/his personal needs, in other words, the child is not used to recognize her/his feeling and emotion.
• The child may suffer unbalance in intelligence development and emotional intelligence. This poor emotional intelligence may encourage the child to have an extreme and rebel attitude.
• The child feels heavily burdened by the parents’ demands. He or she will try to let go of the burden; it may also encourage the child to be a problematic person one day.

Well, you can see now, how destructive conditional love is. Children happiness must be parents’ most priority, right? Don’t demand our children too much, we should give them secure and freedom to develop their talents and abilities (of course, as parents, you should still direct your children). Let’s give our children unconditional love, accept and love them just the way they are…

Other sources : Intisari and google
The picture is taken from http://tlc.discovery.com

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Husbands: Don’t Hesitate to Say “Thank You” to Your Wife!

Having received a poem gift last week makes me more realize about the importance of sincerely often saying “thank you” in tightening a relationship between husband and wife. I become to feel that I’m a special person; I feel that I was appreciated, at least, by my husband… It truly gives me more energy and enthusiasm to go through my following life. Do you also experience how powerful the sincere “thank you” expression in your daily marriage life?

I remembered that I’ve ever read a wife’s true experience on a psychology article of a newspaper. The wife suffered depression, lack of self confidence, moreover, she felt useless and so empty inside her heart. She had it so badly until she wanted to kill herself. Fortunately, she’s a smart woman; she’s trying to know what exactly happened to her by consulting her condition to an expert.

The woman, well, let’s call her Ann here, was used to be a career woman. After getting pregnant, Ann decided to be a full stay at home wife. Was it that made her depressed? No, Ann said that she can enjoy the life as a stay at home wife, nothing problem with that. Ann also said that Bill, the husband, have never hurt her physically. Time goes by, Ann felt harder and harder to go through her daily life. She did her routines in empty heart and mind.

Ann’s friends and relatives hadn’t never suspected how bad her psychic condition. From the outside, people around her looked Ann’s family as a happy one. She lives at a beautiful house, Bill is a successful person and her daughter is healthy and adorable. What Ann didn’t have actually?

After several therapies with a psychologist, the answer was revealed. It turned out that Ann has never get thankful expression from her husband. Bill NEVER SAID “thank you” to Ann, for everything she’s done, Bill has never given emotional interaction, NEVER! Can you imagine how bad the consequences of never having sincere thankful expression to a smart woman like Ann? Poor her…

Yes, I wrote a woman’s story here, but it doesn’t mean that a wife doesn’t need to do the same thing. At every appropriate moment, a wife shouldn’t hesitate to say “thank you” to her husband, too. I wrote this post just for reminding all of us, married couples, how we sometimes forget to say simple words but very important thing like “thank you” to our beloved partner. Hope we all get the lesson...

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A Poem Gift

Since this morning, after having sick for weeks, my hubby has begin his daily routines, running a small restaurant that belongs to his big brother. I’m so happy to see him able to do his activities again…

Last Friday, my hubby gave me a short beautiful poem. He said that it was a thankful gift for my gentle caring while he’s sick those days. It’s a big surprise because he has never done like this before. Was I touched? Of course!!! It’s no needed a ring or a bunch of red roses to please a wife… Husbands, a make-it- yourself poem like this is so priceless…

Well, I want to share the poem in this post. The poem is in Indonesian language, because his English is worse than me (sorry, hubby…). I’ll mention the original one first and then its translation. You may think it’s just an ordinary and nothing special poem, but, for me, it’s full of deepest love...

Sobat semua, di sini saya ingin berbagi sebuah puisi yang saya terima dari suami pada hari Jum’at lalu. Dia bilang, puisi ini adalah tanda terima kasih karena telah mendampinginya selama sakit. Mungkin Sobat bilang ini sih puisi ‘gombal’ biasa saja; tapi bagi seorang istri seperti saya, mendapat hadiah sebuah puisi ‘gombal’ seperti ini adalah LUAR BIASA, karena saya tahu, ada kedalaman cinta di dalamnya… Ayo dong, Sobat yang para suami, buat istri Sobat bahagia dengan mempersembahkan puisi untuknya!!
Kau adalah pujaanku ketika aku ingin memuja

Kau seperti darah yang mengalir dalam hidupku

Kau tidaklah pantas untuk kuberikan kasih sayang...tapi kau berhak mendapatkannya dengan sepenuh hati dariku

Kau bukanlah sebuah altar... tapi ... kau seperti altar yang selalu medapat pujian & pujaan

Kau bukan manusia biasa...dalam hidupku, kau adalah seorang yang luar biasa

Wahai Istriku nan cantik budi pekertinya, aku sangat menyayangi & mengagumimu

Cinta dan kasih sayangku yang biasa dan istimewa, semua ingin kuberikan untukmu...
I’ve translated the poem for you:

You are my adoration when I want to adore
You are like blood that running in my life
You are not decent to be given love… but you deserve to have completely love from me
You are not an altar…but…you are like an altar that always get compliment and worship
You are not an ordinary person…in my life, you are an extraordinary one
My beloved kind wife, I love and adore you so much
My love and affection -ordinary and special- I want to give it all to you…

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Emotional Affair vs Sexual Affair (2)

As I said before, I continue my previous post here. Here are the following points:

What are the possible causal factors of emotional affair?
A married man or woman can get into this emotional affair for various reasons, but, basically, there are two main reasons. First, you are in unstable emotion or having stress. Second, there are certain emotional needs that you can’t get in your marriage.

Emotional affair, that can be seems so enjoyable, will be your appropriate ‘running away’ place from your life crisis. If you can’t settle your causes of stress, this emotional affair can be your weak point that can destroy your marriage...
Why emotional affair can be more dangerous than sexual affair?
Sexual affair isn’t the only one of cheating type. You still can hurt your husband even though you avoid intimating physically with him. In fact, emotional affair is more destructive than sexual affair. You and your emotional lover act like continuing your ‘honeymoon’. For you, he is your idol. Both of you connect strongly because there’s feeling and emotion involved.

Most cheating people won’t leave their spouse just because they have already enjoyed wonderful sexual affair with someone else. But, cheating people will leave their present spouse if they already have feeling or emotion in their heart for their lover. That’s why emotional affair can be ensued worse than sexual affair; that’s why you should avoid this!

What you should do to end your emotional affair?
If you’re having this emotional affair and you want to get out of it; there are some tips that can help you:

• Ask yourself, what you see on him; and then ask your husband, whether he can do the things that you see on ‘your lover’. Example: he wants to listen to your opinion, while your husband doesn’t have time and patience for you. Tell your husband what do you need and fix your communication immediately.
• Find the good things of your husband. Write it down into a list and read it three times a day. Increase your logical thinking by remembering your husband’s good deeds and your beautiful marriage moment. Talk nice things about your husband to your friends and colleagues; and put your husband’s picture on your work table!
• Find your lover’s mistakes. Make a list of his badness and read it three times a day to decrease your feeling to him. Be honest to yourself; if you have remembered and imagined all bad things about him, are you still attracted?
• Limit your contact with your emotional lover. If he is your work colleague, don’t meet him alone; always bring someone or more with you. Take control of yourself more and stop your emotional affair right away before it’s too late!
• Ask your closest friend or someone else that you can trust to help you getting out of this emotional affair.

Well, we aren’t holy people anyway, so, I think it’s all right if you attract with someone emotionally and have a good relationship with him; as long as you realize the borders, as long as you don’t experience the emotional affair signs, and you can maintain yourself not to pass through the borders. You may also admire someone, and it’s all right, but you must be able to differentiate between fantasy and reality, and you can let it go if you start to feel ‘it’s already overreacting’.

An expert said that what married people need from their spouse is: being accepted without criticism, appreciated, listened, cared, and able to do things that they like together. There’s also one thing, married people also need jealousy feeling (but not the blind one) of their spouse. Sweet jealousy is one sign of love, right? Let’s maintain our marriage by applying those…

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Emotional Affair vs Sexual Affair

As a married woman, affair matter in marriage life is a scary thing for me. Of course, I trust my hubby’s love and I hope that it won’t happen in my marriage… Does every married man can really trust their wife? Does every married woman can really trust their husband? Do you?
Though it’s an unkind thing, I think married couples should know more about this affair matter, why it can be so dangerous and destructive to your marriage, so, we will decide to avoid having affairs and leave it. After reading some articles on woman magazines and browsing google; I compile the points for you here:
What is emotional affair? Why it’s different with sexual affair?A man and a woman who get involve into emotional affair never connect sexually and physically; but they are truly lover in their mind and heart.
What are the signs that show you get involve in an emotional affair?Emotional affair used to begin with friendship or professional closeness. How do you know that you’ve passed through the ‘just a friend’ border? An expert said that the border is very thin; here are the clear signs (I assume you as a woman) :

• When you’re not with him, you think him a lot. If he’s always in your mind when you do daily activities or moreover, while you’re spending time with your husband, families and friends, well, he is more than just a friend.
• You talk about him much; including to your work colleagues or closest friends. You do this suddenly or repeatedly; so that your colleagues or friends begin to suspicious.
• You always share your problem, happiness or sadness to him first. Your husband may not know your problem at all because you tell nothing to your husband.
• Suddenly you complain about your marriage life; it’s something that you’ve never done before. You become often to compare your husband with him; and it makes you feel hopeless.
• You ignore your tasks or daily activities. You spend too much time to call him, to chat with him or other things that you do together with him.
• You hope to meet him often. If the desire to meet him is so clear and strong; watch out, the red sign start to ‘on‘.
• You always imagine him every time you are intimate with your husband. If you always imagine the same man, well, it’s the sign that there is a problem.

Do you experience all the signs above? Pay more attention if your closest friends don’t believe when you said that there’s nothing between you and him. They may appraise you objectively; while you try to act rationally and hide behind the innocent feeling…

In the next post I’ll continue this topic and mention: the negative impacts, the things you should do and how to end an emotional affair. See you in my next post!

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